How to Be John Boehner’s Bitch: The Official Manual

Washington, D.C. interns — in particular, congressional interns — tend to be embryonic versions of the monsters they serve: rich, white, and drunk on even the tiniest modicum of actual power. How do they get that way? In part by carefully attending to the advice contained in the “2013 Intern Manual” distributed to the unpaid peons of House Speaker John Boehner, the 12-term Republican who superintends the lower chamber’s extreme right wing. Left behind at a recent D.C. house party by a sauced Hill staffer, the manual shows how even the lowest employees lubricate the capital’s gilded political machine.

The 80-page handbook starts off boringly enough, describing the tribal appeal of “Boehnerland” (“Keep in mind, ‘No one ever leaves Boehnerland!’”); explaining that Boehner’s staff members like to call their boss “JAB”; and misattributing a well-known Alex Trebek quote to Boehner.

Later on, interns are apprised of precisely which media organs they should keeps tabs on, and why. Fox News Channel: “A lot of our phone callers react to what is on FOX, so stay updated with current events.” Politico’s PLAYBOOK: “It give [sic] the best rundown of day’s [sic] driving issues.” CNN: “Good site to read throughout the day.”

via How to Be John Boehner’s Bitch: The Official Manual.